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Is anyone still here?

I haven't posted on here in over a year. So, I thought I would let people know where I am now.

You can find me on Google+ by Stacey Chancellor.

Or my Fate blog at http://thefatearchives.blogspot.com/



This blog...

Is it just me or is there nobody here now? 

I have thought about this for a bit now, and I get the feeling it LJ is becoming a ghost site.  I used to see people post on here all the time about the games they were playing, or the books they are reading.  There are still a few doing that, but nearly as much as I used to see.  I am sure that it is due to FB, podcasting, and twitter.  But I still enjoy reading peoples blogs.  :)

So, I created a new one for my game playing and designing needs at http://staceysrpgworld.blogspot.com/ 

I still plan on using this one for other things, like what I am reading and life stuff.  :) 

As for those of you that are gamers that I have met on here, I hope you will follow me over. 


So, today I saw people going crazy about Google +.  It was a bit insane.  People were going nuts to try to get invites to try this nwe social medium.  I actually enjoy Facebook and what it does.  It is how I keep in touch with a lot of people, and it seems like less people are blogging now then they used too.  I could be wrong, but I don't see people on LJ as much as I did a few years ago.  It could be they are using different blog sites.  I don't know.

But will this be the FB killer?  I got my invite today and played around with it for a few moments.  A lot of it is the same as FB.  But they do have a few intersting features such as chatting with friends and a webcam feature.  That seems to be something a lot of people are into.  The rest of it is not too much different from FB from what I have seen so far.

The way they handle it is called Circles.  Which is dont just a bit better than FB is.

Anyone else have any thoughts?



It seems like so many people I know on here talk about their dreams on here.  I find this fascinating, since we all have them.  Now, not everyone can remember all of their dreams, and some people can have crystal clear images of every second of what the dream was about.  I am somewhere in the middle and it seems the older I get the more I seem to remember them.

So, I guess the question is this.  What do you think of dreams?  Do you remember them?  Do you find any siginficance in them?

I am just curious.  :)


May. 5th, 2011

You really do not know how much people care until you struggle.  I have seen people I thought cared for me…disappear, and been surprised by others that have shown they care more than I thought.  It is hard to figure out, and I have to be honest and admit that since I keep people at arms length most of the time, I should not be too shocked by the fact that people also keep their distance.  It still makes me a bit sad and angry at times, but I know how much of this is my own doing.  Accepting responsibility for myself is something I have never really been good at.  At least when it comes to my personal relationships and why they are the way they are. 


I am trying to fix this, but change is hard.  Real hard, especially for me.  Everyone makes change sound so easy, like it is just a switch you can turn on and off.  But it isn’t...and I learned this too late.  I learned the hard way last year that you cannot go to someone you love and tell them you are sorry and are willing to change…and expect them to just accept that as truth and all is forgiven.  Anyone can say they will change, but words don’t mean anything when they know how much you are terrified of actually doing it.  I have to live with that and the one-year anniversary of the colossal mistake I made is nine days from now.  I let the woman I have loved more than anyone in my life get away because I am a coward.  I have to live with that and after almost a year,  I am still struggling with it.  I am not sure when this will stop hurting, and lord knows I am tired of feeling sad.  I can only imagine how she feels at this point…although I imagine she has moved on with her life.  At least I hope she has, she deserves better than what I did to her and is the most amazing woman I have ever known.


Now I sit here and see just how little of a support system I have and it makes me even sadder.  Yet it is of my own doing.  I haven’t spoken to my family in years, I barely even speak to my closest friends, and I have pushed away all three women I have ever loved.  But if I want people to actually be more of an important part of my life, I have to be willing to let them.  I also have to learn what it takes to actually be there for people and let them be there for me in return.  Knowing how much I have struggled in the last few months and how many people that have just seemed indifferent towards it, has shown me what this type of behavior can lead too. 


I know I can change, and I can hope that people will actually believe that.  The proof is in the pudding as they say, and only time will tell.  


What I have been reading lately...

So, I thought I would update what I have read this month...

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
This was a really good book.  It almost is shocking at times to realize this is a young adult book, since the author takes on a lot of really adult themes.  Survival,choice, betrayal, death, and even love.  I am not saying that other authors cannot do that, but a lot of authors have a hard time finding that balance of writing something that both children and adults can enjoy reading. 

I am really looking forward to reading the next two books of this series.

The Runaways comics by Marvel
I have never been much of a comic book guy.  Mostly due to growing up in a small town in Oklahoma, I could never really keep up with the marvel stuff I loved to read.  So over time, I just did not read them and to be honest...it is next to impossible to jump in on the X-men, Spiderman, etc, now...cuz you are too far behind. 
But I was really interested in this for some reason.  I guess it is the idea of the fact that all of the kids are sons of evil super heroes.  Upon realizing this, they run away and try to find their own lives.  Yes, there are a ton of crossover stuff going on (I have seen spiderman, captian america,, the punisher, and iron man), but it has been very enjoyable thus far.

Temperence Brennan mysteries by Kathy Reichs
I am a huge fan of Bones, whom Kathy Reichs helps with.  The show is based (rather loosely) on this character of the same name.  But I do love a good mystery novel, and the forensics behind these novels is very impressive.  No, I don't know what they are talking about all the time, but that is ok. 

The only issue I have had with them was with the last one, cross bones.  I am a bit tired of the religious angle at this point.  Damn you Dan Brown!  Too many novels are playing around with christianity as a device.  Don't get me wrong, it can be interesting, but at the same time...everyone is doing it.  Could the bones be Jesus?  Wow, really? 

Dragon Champion by E.E. Knight
This was for my book club.  A story told from the perspective of a hatchling dragon.  This was a pretty decent book, with some interesting story that really took off toward the end of the book.  But it did suffer from what I can only call the Two Towers effect (thank you, amy).  Too much walking, walking, nothing happening, more walking, and did I mention..walking?  Nothing that really killed the book, but it was a bit hard to get into from the beginning...due to nothing much happening.  Again, it took off later and eventually turned into a pretty good read.

Johanes Cabal the Necromancer by Jonathan Howard
This was also for my book club.  An odd, and humorour book that told a story about a man who had sold this soul to the devil in order to learn necromancy.  Now he wants it back and the devil says yes, but only if he can persuade 100 people to sign over their souls as well.  Oh, and if doesn't do it, he is damned forever. 

This was an odd book.  First of all, it was damn clever and there were times that I found the antics extremely clever and amusing.  The idea was inventive, and overall it worked in a fun way.  How how he goes about this was handled in a very interesting way.

The down side?  It was damn slow.  As I get older, it is getting harder for me to stay interested in things.  Especially the way people write sometimes.  The writing was bad, it was just not something I could read quickly.  Which considering it was under 300 pages, is an accomplishment. 

But the cleverness did eventually win me over, and despite how slow it was...this was enjoyable.

What will I be reading?

More of the Runaways comics
Break No Bones by Kathy Reichs
Catching Fire and Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
Exile by R.A. Salvatore
The Giver by Lois Lowry (book club)
Rainbows End by Vernor Vinge (book club)

Haven't been on here much...

So, I realized I do not use this as much as I used too.  The whole start of this was to have a place to talk about game design, since I was creating a game with one of my closest friends.  But we haven't really done any of that in a while, and it became just a blog to ramble on about life.

But now I am ready to get back at it.  2010 was a really bad year, but I am determined to make this one much better and I realize I actually miss coming on here and seeing what people that I know on here are up too.  So, I am going to try to be better about coming on here.

So, what have people been up to so far this year?


I find it amazing that as we get older we can look back on our life with a clarity that doesn't seem possible in the present.  We try not to regret things, but we do.  We try not to take life for granted, but we do.  We tell ourselves we are not afraid of change, but we are.  These are not things that are neccesarily bad, but it is something we all deal with on some level.  None of us are perfect, and we shouldn’t be. 


There is no manual for how to live life or how to make the changes we need.   But we keep trying, hoping it is isnt too late.  I remember someone saying to me when I was a child that if the moment you stop growing is the moment  you begin to die.  I have no idea who said this to me, but I think they are right. 


This year has been one of the oddest of my life, and the worst.  Now, I want to make sure that is in perspective.  IF this is the worst year I have ever had, my life could not have been a bad one.  Just the loss of the job and the continuing struggle to find a new one, the breakup, and trying to deal with my family and being broke.  I have never really tried to deal with so many things at once, which may be part of the problem.  I have never been good at knowing what my limitations are.


But it has been 5 months since the breakup with Jenn, and I stiill haven’t recovered from it.  Yes, the irony is I am the one the broke things off.  Which is something I am very good at.  I am almost 40 years old and I am still trying to figure my life out.  It sucks that I realized what I was doing after I had already pushed Jenn away from me.  I did make an attempt to get her back, but by then she had saw things in us that gave her pause as well.  Not to mentioned I had hurt her and anyone can say they are willing to change.  How many people actually do?  I am not sure I would believe me either.  I don’t blame her for trying to move on with her life and lord knows I want her to be happy.  I miss her like crazy and am hoping at some point I can stop being an emotional trainwreck of a person.  I have no problem with being an emotional person, but the amount of time I spend crying at this point is just getting pathetic. 


I have been in love three times and all three times I pushed that person away and eventually broke things off.  Raye was my first true love, but I was so young and inexpereinced.  Or at least that is the excuse I always used when I talked about why we broke up.  I cannot even do that anymore, since I have done the same thing twice since then.  Yeah, that may have been part of it, but I know how that the main reason I did it was due to fear.  Seeing picutres of us together today brought a lot of that back.  Things I have not thought about in a long time.  Seeing how beautiful she was and remembering how happy we were once.  That comes back to regret.  Again, everyone says you should not regret things, but in a long life, how is that possible?  We make our choices and have to live with them, and I understand that.  But you cannot help but wonder what could have been.  She has an amazingly talented son and today I had so many memories of us take over everything.  It was a very surreal thing to say the least.  It has been like 12 years or so since that breakup and only recently have we even started talking again.  Seeing updates about her son is always something that hits me in ways I don’t completely understand.  But I know now, and knew then that she would be a great mother…it seems like she is.    


Wendy was the same story in some ways.  Loved the hell out of her, but was so damn angry at the world and scared to really commit to someone.  She also had a wonderful little boy and I have to say one of the few solaces in my life at that point was how he made me feel.  Being a father is something I knew how to be for some reason.  I didn’t really get anything else right as I shut her out and we just stopped talking about anything at all.  Eventually I broke that off and to this day I know of all the people I have hurt in my life, I hurt her the most…for how I broke up with her.  That is something I will never completely forgive myself for.  She is also the last person I have seen in Oklahoma as I have not went back in the almost 8 years I have lived in New York City.  I never realized until we talked about all of this in the last year or so how hard it was for her to drive me to the airport.  After talking to her for a bit I realized how much it actually hurt me to never have dealt with any of this.  Feeling guilty about it and ignoring it as much as I could.  Hell, I moved to NYC partly to get away from having to deal with that.  Yet, it is funny, but the need for forgiveness is something that we all still need.  She forgave me, and we are actually pretty good friends at this point.  I never thought that would have been possible, but life surprises you sometimes. 


I have not always been the best person.  I have hurt people in order to protect myself.  I am not proud of this and I have been dealing with the guilt of this most of my adult life.  I have been to therapy on a few different occasions to deal with this, and for the first time I think I understand it a bit now.  Everything goes back to my famliy, which is why I am going to get that relationship fixed.  I started it, but it is not where I want it to be yet.  But you have to start, right? 


So where am I going this this?  I have no idea, I just started typing and this is what came out of it.  As bad as this year has been at times, it has been a year of the past.  Of having people come back in my life that I have not spoken to in anywhere from a couple of years up to over ten.  I am still trying to become a better person and to find the answers to my past.  Sometimes you have to understand your past in order to face your future.  I have seen so many times recently where I realize how short life can be.  How quickly things can be taken from us.  I have even had my own scared with a stroke I had back in 2004.  Still,  I don’t want to the person I am now.  Good or bad, I want to be better.  I deserve happiness as much as anyone else and it is time I stopped myself from achieving it. 


Title: We have always lived in the castle
Author: Shirley Jackson

Genre: Fiction, book club

Pages: 214

Read before?  No
Rating:  6.0 out of 10

Next book: Infinite possibilities: The art of living your dreams by Mike Dooley


Summary:  Visitors call seldom at Blackwood House. Taking tea at the scene of a multiple poisoning, with a suspected murderess as one's host, is a perilous business. For a start, the talk tends to turn to arsenic. "It happened in this very room, and we still have our dinner in here every night," explains Uncle Julian, continually rehearsing the details of the fatal family meal. "My sister made these this morning," says Merricat, politely proffering a plate of rum cakes, fresh from the poisoner's kitchen. We Have Always Lived in the Castle, Shirley Jackson's 1962 novel, is full of a macabre and sinister humor, and Merricat herself, its amiable narrator, is one of the great unhinged heroines of literature. "What place would be better for us than this?" she asks, of the neat, secluded realm she shares with her uncle and with her beloved older sister, Constance. "Who wants us, outside? The world is full of terrible people." Merricat has developed an idiosyncratic system of rules and protective magic, burying talismanic objects beneath the family estate, nailing them to trees, ritually revisiting them. She has made "a powerful taut web which never loosened, but held fast to guard us" against the distrust and hostility of neighboring villagers.


Or so she believes. But at last the magic fails. A stranger arrives--cousin Charles, with his eye on the Blackwood fortune. He disturbs the sisters' careful habits, installing himself at the head of the family table, unearthing Merricat's treasures, talking privately to Constance about "normal lives" and "boy friends." Unable to drive him away by either polite or occult means, Merricat adopts more desperate methods. The result is crisis and tragedy, the revelation of a terrible secret, the convergence of the villagers upon the house, and a spectacular unleashing of collective spite


Why I am reading this.   Bookclub.



my thoughts with spoilers...Collapse )



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